best days can be some of my worse.

ever been kicked in the gut?
cause i guess that's kinda i feel now, without the physical abuse. who knew a job you enjoy would do that to you, i honestly dont even know where to begin. i USED to love my job even it was just at maccas, loved it to a point where i just lost all sight of my purpose at work, it became more of a social thing and i realize that now. im just not sure where to start with what im doing wrong, what i need to improve on. no-one is fucking telling me. there's just a invisible list of expectations for me to achieve. that works out fine seeing as i can read invisibility so incredibly well.

im getting really tired of trying to prove myself to people. obviously being myself isnt the greatest thing to be in the workplace, but someone needs to fucking tell me what im doing wrong hey, cause at this point im just gonna stop caring and stop trying, the usual me would say "dont give up" but at this point its been dragged out too long, im not the best crew, im not the best manager, im not the best at anything at work but i do try and if they all fail to see that then i fail to believe in myself.

high school loop

i find myself caught in a loop, perhaps a repeat of the one i succumbed to in high school with that said lets just make it clear i lead a pretty drama free life, unless i find the need to create unnecessary drama, but knowing life we never need to play that card because of all the wonderful curve-balls that life tends to pitch.

you will find that alot of my posts are submitted in the wee hours of the morning, hence the writing and ramblings of oneself. But Alas! no one in their right mind would bother to read this piece of shit so why do i bother? EXACTLY because no one reads it, therefore my ramblings are posted into the world without peoples opinions, although that option is open to the world to, we all could do with a shot of refreshing truth. as i was saying i find myself in that loop again,

im past that stage where i wanna be friends with everyone and maintain ALL friendships made and if that friendship were to end it would be the end of the world as we know it, contrary to many peoples beliefs, i myself am not that emotionally deranged anymore. Hard to chew? i too thought that but never the less im stuck in that loop where, theres just this group of people you know and you manage to share a reasonable friendship with them not so much acquaintances not too much to use the referrals BFFS, we are able to catch up with one another individually at work but the main question is, what is it about some of these clicks that they refuse to see the bigger picture and you know say invite me to hang once in awhile? call me selfish and self - centered but the last time i checked im not a axe murderer nor do i have this creepy person exterior they know im fun and cool to hang with, so why the hesitiation?

it honestly makes me question have i missed something within myself to have lost the rights to invitations to hang out seeing as i seem to make the effort to call them out often ending with rejection due to reasons of their own, i know it takes two to tango etc etc, and im not so much basing this upon my efforts but their own and perhaps another self deliberation is in order..

a little self assurance is in order now and then, but a shot of the a truth could be exactly whats needed here to grow just that little bit more, considering i havent had any life changing epiphanies lately or any dramas to sorta throw the cards on the table, so here i am stuck in this loop, of not only self deliberation but also the persona i give off to have been blown off from invitations of all sorts from these "clicks" bearing in mind that they maybe insecure with the prospect of new people entering they're click of this, but i say this. people need to break that shell of theirs and step into the real world.

i am so self centered what is wrong me?

teenage angst, teenage dream.

ive been watching these teenage drama shows, and i have come to a realization that no matter what year it is, the issues faced by all teenagers seem to be shared world wide, to grow up watching tv shows where the characters are exposed to the problems that we face in our own lives make it the relation to the characters all the easier, i understand that the show it self is fiction unless said otherwise, but the one thing that makes it real are the problems/issues that they're facing, the issues we see on TV are the cold hard truth,

i came to this epiphany recently after watching my collection of Dawson's Creek which was filmed in the mid 90's til the early millennium, and like a friend mentioned before, just as soon as Dawson's Creek wrapped up, The OC begun to air which is proving that regardless of the eras the issues faced in every show are all the same. Theres always boy problems, girl problems, family problems, a loss or a gain, a failure or an achievement. In these shows we watch we find the relation to the show to be a reality, i say this because for me i can say that some of the shows i watched have helped me understand some of the problems i went through easier, disregarding the fact that we're not as cool as these kids on TV nor we live in awesome mansions.

To the writers/producers of such shows, you have amazing skill to be able to hit so many people with the realization of such issues.. Atleast now I know, in whatever issue im in, surely someone else across the globe has/is going thru the same thing and im clearly not alone in the problematic side of life.

throw a punch at frustration

i somehow wish i could punch you.
i dislike you to a certain extent, your pathetic ways and child like mind isnt that greata attraction within you, although you may think it is. i ask you to take a good look at the mirror and compare yourself amongst any other man you're age and see who they've become and then theres you, someone who is still clinging onto the thread that binds you to the memories of yesterday which i might say happened a long time ago and i honestly think its time you get over it.

lifes full of changes good ones and bad ones its your choice wheter you choose to accept change or not i understand that it may take people awhile to readjust to certain changes but i think its been long enough.

to you my friend: GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF.
reality is behind on giving peoples wake up calls, but i hope when your name appears next on the list. it hurts like a fucking bitch.

strange is my middle name.

i grew up in 2 different societies, both of which i do enjoy, but coming back to Perth after 3 months back home has certainly made me re think of my interests; im someone who can drink, but i dont necessarily enjoy it, i can go clubbing but i don't enjoy it. i cop heaps of shit for being sucha granny when it comes to these things, but ive been clubbing since i was 14. its the same shit just different days and im over it.

my friends/colleagues are just the opposite, hence they look at me with disapproving looks when i turn down a drink or a chance to go out. id honestly rather spend a chilled night out or even just at home watching tv/movies. but unfortunately society only lets you do that here if you're a married 45 yr old, nevertheless i have to admit, im just not that into clubbing/drinking call me weird/strange whatever the dictionary may let you, but that's just me.

id rather spend my money on things i do enjoy.

just a reminder

just a reminder to pretty much everyone out there in the world.
we lead our own lives and we live a life for our-self. why do i say this? because i see that when people seek for advice some of us take it too literal and tend to let the advice control what we do or how we see people or how we act.

let me remind you, a friend can only ever do so much for you and when they give you advice it is up to you what you intend on doing with you bearing in mind they've taken the time to sit down and listen and talk to you about certain issues, we reflect on whats been given and decide from then on there what we wanna do with it but then there are those people who let the advice/talk control them. i should know, i know a number of people who seem to have their friends run their lives for them instead of living a life of their own. so to those people i say..

WAKE THE FUCK UP AND BEGIN TO LIVE FOR YOURSELF

i don't know what you would call those type of people, some would say "bitches" etc. i want people to realize that you are the captain of the ship that you sail through life and that no one else can say otherwise to make you feel powerless in your own life.

overboard

Ive been neglectful of my blog seeing as Ive found different ways to vent my frustrations and eventually i realized no one reads this piece of shit anyways. but Ive kept my thoughts in for a little too long and also just really not in the mood for opinions on my thoughts.

-edit-
i wrote like 2 pages worth of thoughts but deleted it because i dont wanna be that kid talking about the past and having epiphanies about life and what not, i just cant be left alone w my thoughts just like anyone else i know. i dont trust myself w my thoughts so i find distractions and right now i lack in that so ive found my self thinking too much, reflecting on my life which is something you do when you're 45 not 20. so maybe ill speak about the epiphanies in a later day, question is would i still have this blog during that day and age? only time can tell.